go west handbook – the blog

Beware of the guard dog!

Woke up early for our big croc adventure. We were staying in the Kimberly Croc hostel in the town, twas a grand spot and the staff were sound. Bear Grylls was up at the crack of dawn practicing his croc wrestling moves with some locals down the park.

Ashley “The Crocodile Hunter Dundee” from Lower Ord Tours arrived with the rest of our tour group around 8 bells. The crew would remind you of the Swedish national volleyball team except they looked nothing like Scandanavians and they were all over 70. Nigel was delighted as he wasn’t the oldest for once on the bus.

We all got chatting and the banter began. Far from a boring crowd the golden oldies were, they were actually great craic. All except zee german who wouldn’t shut up for 2 minutes. There was great excitement in the air as this was our chance to see crocs in their natural environment as opposed to a cage. But before we headed out on the Ord River for the boat tour, we took a detour through the irrigation fields. Leslie knew all about food production in the area and explained how they siphon the water from the irrigation canals into the fields manually. He also explained how all the food plants were being replaced by sandlewood plantations as there was more financial gain. Though it does take 15 years to gather the first harvest! I could do a David Attenbouragh speal but suffice to say it was a quality start to the day.

We then stopped off for complimentary ice cream at a local café, ah the oldies do love their comforts, especially food that doesn’t require the chewing. Although Finto (loves the food) was first off the bus in a mad rush leaving a heap of pensioners behind him. He even went as far to say that the ice cream was nicer than the McFlurrys!

Bellies full we all climbed back onto the bus and headed towards the old river Ivanhoe crossing to watch the 4×4s do a Jesus walk on water impression (see pic). Twas class to see them crossing but I aint so sure if the Turcel would be fit for it but it has surprised us so far.

Jesus Walking on water

We arrived at Ashley’s camp by the river around 11am, an impressive spot altogether. Proper toilets and a class picnic area overlooking the river. Ashley told us to go have a look around while he started up the barbie. He assured us not to worry that if we fell in the river we would be fine, once we got out within 20 seconds. So the 3 explorers headed down to the river looking for crocs. We broke a large branch and started splashing the water, hoping to entice the crocs up for a gander. After bout 15 minutes and no result we were kinda half glad that we didn’t come face to face with death just yet. But it was class standing there knowing that there were crocs all around.

Half sized 6 meter crocodile

Zee German arrived down to the river with a super efficient pair of binoculars and within 43 seconds he had spotted a fresh water croc on the far side. He allowed us 12 seconds each of viewing for free, sound man.

The smell wafting from the BBQ had grabbed our attention by now so we walked back to the camp, only to be met by a 4 foot long lizard. He too had smelled the food. The angry wee basturd of a lizard took a run at meself and Darren and we absolutely shit ourselves, to the delighted of the oul ones! Zee German was still talking third reich shit about nothing (don’t mention the war, don’t mention the war).

His pet dog Rover

After stuffing our faces with as much quality free food and drink we could stomach, we had to be rolled onto the boat. The boat was top notch with plenty of room and complimentary binoculars. It wasn’t long before we seen a group of about 3 or 4 crocs. Of course zee German starting counting how many more he could see with his super efficient binoculars. 5, 6, 7… To which we replied, 8, 9 10, 11… It worked as he could not handle the fact that we were seeing more than he was. Of course we weren’t but he didn’t know that. And rather than be second best, he just shut up – RESULT!

It wasn’t long before zee German was at it again. We tried to persuade Asley to let us feed him to the crocodiles (by accident of course) but being the pro that he is, declined. But im sure it crossed his mind.

By now we were seeing saltwater and freshwater crocs everywhere. 4 metre ones. Even slightly saltwater crocs and the odd femme freshwater ones could be seen! We stopped halfway down the river in a little cove for a well needed ice cold drink and a stretch of the legs. Climbed up a small cliff overlooking the river, class views all round. We had a nice relaxing spin back down the river. The temp dropped to a bearable 30 degrees. With the sun setting over the mountains the trip was coming to an end. Limbs and plastic hips intact we all climbed back onto the bus.

A Femme Freshwater Croc

Quality trip and seen plenty of wildlife including wallabees, plenty of eagles, over 60 crocs and the Kununurra, white brested, billy bob tailed, wing wong bat.  Great day out and great tour.

The full moon

Ningaloo Reef

Christ a panadol would still have a headache after a night on the goon! Two hours after getting told to call it a night a bang came on the tent door, bad news was being delivered. We were kindly told to vacate the premises immediately all because the Liverpool girls couldn’t keep it down, cheers girls for giving us a bad name.

So up we packed and tore off in search of a new home, but unfortunately we were told we weren’t welcome in the surrounding campsites. Before we could go any further, Darren had to go for his daily check up on his gangrene ridden foot, definitely worse then Eugene’s toes. Darren was told he would need skin grafts and Finto being a guilty party kindly donated the skin from his arse. Was the least he could do in fairness but luckily Darren declined.

Darren got taped up and off we went in search of new lodgings. 35 kilometres later we hit our destination lucky for them they had no phone coverage so we were in the clear. Quickly got the tent up and off to one of the best places in the world to do snorkelling, Ningaloo reef. Nigel, Finto and Euge went off snorkelling while Steve volunteered to babysit Darren. Well he says he volunteered but the truth is he just can’t swim. No conscience that young Goss has!

None of us have been to the Great Barrier Reef but we had been told that Ningaloo is every bit as good if not better. Met the scouse girls again aswell as Shane, Jimmy and Niall who like every other time we seen them had a bottle of Tuohey’s Extra Dry welded to their hands. Jimmy showed all us Irish how to properly apply suncream in order to avoid those harmful rays. Darren and Steve then showed him an even better way which was achieved through putting on nearly all the clothes they owned as well as a nice woolly hat. Slightly sweatier approach!

How to apply suncream

After a couple of top quality hours at the reef it was time for a spot of lunch, do you really need to know what we had! The lads had to drop the gear back. Finto was freaking as his snorkelling gear had to be back on time, although it was only a 5 minute trip, they still had an hour to spare. We all tried to calm him down but the vein in his head started throbbing so we know it was time to back away. Such an angry man! Back to the site, low and behold who did we bump into… Them pikies from Liverpool who got us barred from every campsite in Exmouth. But like the gents we are, we forgave them but probably only because they were good looking. Steve and Finto decided to do the 70km round trip for our loyal friend Stanley, the king of goon. If you’re wondering the vein had gone down but he was still kind of angry.

Time for a quick shower to freshen up and for Eugene to endure another one of his daily vomits. At least this time he had a valid excuse. After brushing his teeth he reached for a Listerine bottle that he spotted in the back of the car. Not knowing that Nigel had poured ‘Radox for men,containing sea minerals and herbal extracts’ into a Listerine bottle, he not only gargled it but drank the remainder of the Radox that was in his mouth causing him to vomit uncontrollably all over the campsite to both the disgust and confusion of many elderly neighbouring pensioners. Only realising what had happened when 5 minutes later bubbles constantly flowed from his Ph Balanced mouth.

Drinking away, happy out when this old goblin comes and out of nowhere gives us the marching orders at exactly 10 bells. Nigel came up with possibly the best line of the trip, forget Martin Luther, this was genius. See quote of the day. So back to tent to finish the end of our fine wine. Decided to call it a night, wanna know why? Nigel told his vegetarian joke AGAIN, no one laughed AGAIN. He started to get thick AGAIN. Neighbourhood watch was called in to calm the scene, such a bad joke.

Quote of the day: At ten o clock on the button one horrible old woman tries to put our night to an abrupt end when Nigel replies;”Ah will you go to bed will ya, if it wasn’t for medicine you’d be dead by now”.

Watch Finto the loner

After the gallons of goon consumed the night before there was a serious itch for a long overdue fry up. Up to IGA to do a bit of a shop while sippin on a Gatorade kindly donated by management once again. Back to the campsite to get the eggs, beans and saussi’s on. Two minute Steve takes charge of the sausages. How long till the sausages are ready Steve?”Two minutes lads”, 45 minutes later we get our sausages which resemble Koffi Annan’s penis, cheers Steve. He is as bad at cookin as he is at maths. After our fill of grease it was down to the Exmouth dive school to go on the internet, which the manager gave us for free, sweet buzz! Had to take Darren to the hospital as his foot was startin to resemble Freddie Crueger’s ring piece.

Freddie Crueger's ringpiece

Skin graphs avoided and bandages on we headed to the beach. Absolute top drawer beach, the nicest water we had been in yet. Water was lovely and warm, helped by the fact that we all probably pissed in it. The two beauty queens of the group Darren and Nigel worked on their tans while the rest of us played red arse on the beach, or in Euge’s case redder arse. Had a good kick about on the beach then spotted the Liverpool birds further down toppin up their tans. Unfortunately they weren’t topless as we’d hoped, was hoping for a cheeky little gander. Good craic down the beach then hopped back in the magna and headed towards the campsite. Nige and Gino argued over who got to sit in the front seat, what age are they??

Turqouise Bay

After three attempts and more broken washing machines than a Pikeys campsite we finally had clean clothes. Quick wash, clean boxers on and we hit the Potshot Hotel. Daffid im the only gay in the villages’ long haired Canadian cousin was there. Steve being such a fan got him to sign his chest, just about fit it in between all those shit Liverpool tatoos, while Darren robbed his drink. Minister for finance was playing a stormer. Nigel skipped off early with Amy, the big sleepy head. Finto nearly chocked when a cougar attacked him in the smoking area luckily he was able to fight the pensioner off. Renditions of Halleluiah on the way home. Hit the Goon before getting told the other campers weren’t enjoying the sound of our voices as much as we were. Headed across the road to the softball pitch to finish off the session. Day 1 of Stevie’s chat up with Rachel stay tuned, and get comfy.

Check out the only Gay in the village

Quote of the day: “do ya know ur man Gordon Brown, well did ya know he’s deaf in one eye” compliments of Rachael Carter ( the girl with the Phd).